Death

Apologies for a very late blog entry to the 5 people who read my blog.
(for whose support i am indebted - am trying to gather enough courage to extend the circle to enhance your reading experience).

It was a tough week. But I am back after a spell of ego nursing and rock bottom self pity.

On the night of 2 Feb, i had a vision of death. And it was the most terrifying passage of time in my adult life thus far despite the lack of physical reality. (for now)

It was a feeling of being compressed in deep earth with a cloth tightly woven around my face and hands firmly bounded against my sides. Dense, damp soil heaped upon my body closing me utterly from everything i know and anything that could bring the remotest comfort. I could almost feel the earth fill up in my nostrils. Like holding your breath in pitch darkness with my eyes shut tight and there's no way out. No air, no light - just compacted and packed in the ground far from life and the living to be soon forgotten.

I got up from my bed like i was hit by a shovel in the back and gasping for air. I just couldnt shake off the feeling of dread - it may have just been a bad dream for now but as certain as the sun rising in the east i will die and rot and decompose and be submerged in earth with no one but centipedes, worms and such for company.

How do you handle death? We have no self help books, no death gurus with hints of underworld do's and dont's. No one who's gone beyond and back with pictures and guidebooks. The Lonely Planet guide to Finality: A Single Traveler's Guide. One way trip, no return, no refunds.

In moments such as these I cling to religion like a security blanket. I crawl to the prayer mat like a legless drunk intoxicated with fear.

Although somewhat calmer I am still distraught so i call my social deviant man (slight correction to the man-less complaint in previous entry). He tells me that i am freaking him out.

I tell him this:In one blinding moment i grasp with cold realisation that once you are buried underground you bring nothing with you except for yourself. You are the sole source of protection and comfort in the dark hole of solitude and nothingness.

I am so freaked out by this that i am convinced i am going to die - i leave a shaky will to my sister and leave for Singapore the next morning to visit a grandaunt who is ill. I think i will die on the bus or something stupid and unexpected like choking on a satay stick.

to be continued.